dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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