now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
