her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
