Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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