Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I yelled at your uterus for you.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
