So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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