Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
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