The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize
