but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
