i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just got carded by a ten year old.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
