I skipped work to stalk him.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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