I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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