Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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