She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
