Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
