im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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