Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Dicks are not precious.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
