I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You're like the curious george of whores
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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