I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
