The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
