Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
