I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize