two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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