Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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