the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
nutella sex= disaster
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
