I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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