Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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