Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
They have beer where we have blood.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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