Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
