I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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