i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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