STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize