Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm at about main and main street
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
