how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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