Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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