i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
