I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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