I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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