Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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