i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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