If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
