I accidentally had phone sex last night
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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