trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
