Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
