How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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