New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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