Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize