If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
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