Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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