I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
we're making bets on your personal life
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
