apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
