I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Randomize
