Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize